"What are you doing with your life?"

I have no idea.

In the wake of the end of my 3rd year in college, I find myself wondering, "What AM I doing with my life?" Let me backtrack for a moment...

Earlier, I started reading Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice because I always heard references to it and I felt ashamed that I (an English/Education major) had never read it. From what I've read so far, it's great! It's a very witty and sarcastic book. Sadly I only made it to chapter 4 before I decided to write this blog post. Why?

I've found lately that I'm not really into reading much. It honestly KILLS me to say that. I learned to read when I was 3. I taught my brother to read when he was 6, and this has great influence on my decision to become a teacher. But lately, I seem to be "going through the motions" on my journey to what I thought was my dream. I haven't been putting a lot of effort into the things I do. As a result, my grades have not been up to par.

Up til now, I've been pretty apathetic about school with no known reason. I've been way more social than I needed to be. But this past Saturday, many of my friends graduated, leaving me to be very emotional. You would think it's because they'd be going off building a new life. But no. They'll still be around. I just realized that the REAL reason is that next year, I won't be graduating. And honestly, I don't know when that day will come. People are constantly asking me when I will be graduating, or what my grades are like. I give them vague answers because I fear disappointment. I'm really disappointed in MYSELF. I'm wasting so much time and money, and I don't know what I wanna do anymore...

I'm quite sure that this is a case of a loss of passion. The last time this happened was in 8th grade, when I made a drastic jump from 1st to last chair in orchestra, and when I quit caring about performances in my steel drum class. I can explain that though: I was depressed about having to move away from everything I knew (I was in California). But now, with this, I don't know what could have brought this on. I hope things change soon...