Who Can I Run To?

Less than 24 hours ago, I said goodbye to one of my closest friends. No, he didn't die. I just mean that our friendship was terminated. My exact words were "Fuck this shit" in reference to our chaotic relationship. He called it a "dance" and it's certainly a dance neither one of us want to do anymore. Only a few measly hours later, I'm sitting here, writing this post, trying to sort out my feelings.

One thing I realized is that I can count my closest friends on one hand. That's probably the way it should be-- just a close-knit circle of friends that a person feels comfortable expressing his or herself to. The problem I face with my friends--as close as they are to me--is that they don't relate to me easily. A lot of the problems that I have are lost on them, so it seems like I do way too much complaining. Granted, I probably do. But I look for someone to understand, and maybe even offer some sort of solution. I just don't have that.

Aside from that, another reason I ended that friendship was because I feel inferior to him. I've told this to him numerous times, and he could never understand it. And of course I never did a great job explaining it to him. He's easily the smartest person I know. He's so brilliant and charming... It's intimidating to me. I can't ask him to change that about himself, because that was one of the things I liked about him. It's also one of the things I hated about him, and one of the things I envied about him. Confusing, I know.

I just wish that I could have expressed my feelings better. I've never been able to articulate my feelings properly without coming off like a dumbass. My mom got onto me about that recently. Just as I turn to blogging to express myself, I used to write her notes outlining my feelings, rather than being a big girl and using my voice. It was stupid. So stupid. I need to do better, before I'm totally friendless.

On one hand, I do feel really bad about the way things ended. It was really unfair to him because up until this point, we've been fine for the most part. But on the other hand, his intelligence makes him arrogant, and I can't stand it. I don't know if I could have taken it any longer.

They say people come into your life like seasons. As difficult as it is for me to let go, one can only enjoy the cool breeze and the warm sun for so long before the frigid weather comes along and kills everything you love.