"Sometimes Daddy"

Damn you, Christina Aguilera.

This video, of course, is about lamenting a lost relationship. She goes through all the I-wish-I-coulda/woulda/shouldas one would go through in this kind of sadness and she freakin got to me. As old as this video is, and much time as I've had to desensitize myself, she got to me. I couldn't help but to think of my dad.

My dad died in 2006, coincidentally when this video was made. Daddy Mark is what I called him. We weren't too terribly close, neither emotionally nor physically. Two years prior to his death, some time around my 13th birthday, I told him that I didn't want a "Sometimes Daddy". He would come around for a little while, shower me with gifts and treats, and then disappear. I told him I didn't want that, and apparently neither did he. So I never saw him again. That same year, we moved from California to Alabama. A year later he was gone.

It's funny (for lack of a better word) how it worked out. We were so far removed from each others' lives that I didn't learn of his passing until 2 months later, around this time 7 years ago. Two months later, and a month before my 15th birthday.

They told me it was a heart attack. I took it to mean a broken heart. I blamed myself. I thought I hurt his feelings. I felt like he thought I hated him. I felt like it was all my fault. To some degree, I still do. It hurts to know that he's not here to tell me otherwise.

I guess it's clear that I never really got over it. After I learned the news, I would see men walking around with the same build as my Daddy Mark (he was a BIG man...). My heart would always skip a beat because I always thought it was him, as if for some reason he would come all the way to Alabama to "surprise" me. I've only done it a couple times recently.

Every memory of him that I have (which I can probably count on both hands) is my favorite. I only remember smiling whenever he was around. In fact, to me, his only flaw was that he was indeed a "Sometimes Daddy".

I still miss him though.