Just realized today would have been my dad's 59th birthday.
After a while, I found myself staring at the status. There was just something so empty and cold about it. I casually remembered his birthday at the tail end of the day and I didn't say anything about loving him or missing him. The whole status was just...
...in passing...
You would think that in the passing of a parent you would hold any and all memories near and dear to you. No doubt, I have some near memories, but dear? Not so much (despite what it says in my previous post about him). How many of MY birthdays did he remember? How many of my school recitals has he been to? How often has he felt guilty about not being around as much as he should?
These are obviously questions that I won't get the answers to any time soon, but these are some of the things I think about when Daddy Mark comes to mind.
But those are just my adult thoughts of him. My kid brain still wants to remember him being as cool as he looked in my favorite picture of him. He was wearing a marigold long-sleeved button down shirt, a dark tie, and some dark slacks. He had his foot propped up on a chair, and he was leaning on his knee. To add to the cool factor, he had on dark shades as well.
I haven't seen that picture in several years, but it's so vivid in my mind. I always looked at that picture and said "This is my dad. This is my father figure. I'm his baby girl." The sad part is I rarely reaped any of the benefits of being this man's daughter. Maybe once he stayed with me while I was sick, another time gave me money, took me out to eat, or took my side in a sibling rivalry. But I venture to say that it was only enough for me to feel obligated to have anything to say about him. Yeah, I miss him. But "miss" just may be a word I use to attempt to describe this longing feeling I have to try and build a better relationship. The opportunity to do so is "missed".
As far as loving him goes, I think I've covered that already. When I was little, my mom told me "Don't tell me you love me unless you can prove it." Strange thing to tell a kid, right? But it makes sense. You show love through actions, not just words. In my 14 years of life up to his passing, my dad hasn't done enough to earn an "I love you" from me.
