I'm Tired, Too...

Mothers, amirite?

I truly love my mother. I realize how blessed I am to have her. She has been a strong, independent force in my life for...EVER. She has been smart, encouraging, strict, enforcing, loving, patient and caring. That's what mothers do, right?

I didn't realize there was a time limit on all those characteristics though. Lately, I'm seeing a complete 180 from her, all while she remains adamant about not becoming like her own mother (...whole different story. I will spare you...). I used to say that my mother was my best friend. I could talk to her about anything, and we shared SO many laughs. But right now I just wanna go back to my kid-self and say "Cherish the mother you have now, because years from now, you won't even recognize that lady!" Ignorant and insensitive comments from her about any and everything usually fray on my nerves. But moments like today sadden me and make me realize that we'll never again have the same relationship that we used to have.

I went into her room today to discuss some of the monetary issues I'm having with school. As usual, she brushed it off and said "I'll take care of it." She usually does. I'll pay her back. End of that discussion, for now.

I sat on her bed for a while, staring at the TV. There was a Lifetime movie on, and it reminded me of the times I used to crawl into her bed on Saturdays and watch those movies with her. I realized then that we didn't talk as much as we used to. I brought up my job with Jaguar Productions, because even after my previous efforts to show and tell her, she still doesn't know what I do. At that moment, I grabbed one of our brochures and told her most of what the organization does. I explained to her that I needed to think of something new to do for JP. I was disappointed to hear her ramble off everything that I already told her we did. Not only was she not listening, but she wasn't very helpful with her ideas.

Our conversation turned back to school. She asked when fees were due an I told her. She then said, and I quote, "You need to find out how many more classes you have left and when graduation is, cuz I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired." (<---very reminiscent of my grandmother, by the way...)

(While I take a deep breath and count to 10, please take this time to refer back to my previous blog, What Are You Doing With Your Life? )

Understand that I literally JUST finished my 3rd year in college. I'm no superwoman! I can't leap over multiple school years in a single bound. Things take time! The logical progression for college is 4 years. Sometimes it'll take longer. IT HAPPENS! I understand that she's tired of footing the bill for school. I get that. I've been doing what I can to help her though, while still trying to do more. And for her to try to rush me out of college because SHE'S tired of working is very discouraging to hear. I'd quit and spare her the burden, but what good would that do me?

*Sigh* Y'all, I'm tired. Her negativity is not conducive to what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to regain my motivation for school, and she's over here with that whole defeated attitude. I feel like I have to have motivation for the both of us. It's so hard!

I miss my mommy.

"What are you doing with your life?"

I have no idea.

In the wake of the end of my 3rd year in college, I find myself wondering, "What AM I doing with my life?" Let me backtrack for a moment...

Earlier, I started reading Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice because I always heard references to it and I felt ashamed that I (an English/Education major) had never read it. From what I've read so far, it's great! It's a very witty and sarcastic book. Sadly I only made it to chapter 4 before I decided to write this blog post. Why?

I've found lately that I'm not really into reading much. It honestly KILLS me to say that. I learned to read when I was 3. I taught my brother to read when he was 6, and this has great influence on my decision to become a teacher. But lately, I seem to be "going through the motions" on my journey to what I thought was my dream. I haven't been putting a lot of effort into the things I do. As a result, my grades have not been up to par.

Up til now, I've been pretty apathetic about school with no known reason. I've been way more social than I needed to be. But this past Saturday, many of my friends graduated, leaving me to be very emotional. You would think it's because they'd be going off building a new life. But no. They'll still be around. I just realized that the REAL reason is that next year, I won't be graduating. And honestly, I don't know when that day will come. People are constantly asking me when I will be graduating, or what my grades are like. I give them vague answers because I fear disappointment. I'm really disappointed in MYSELF. I'm wasting so much time and money, and I don't know what I wanna do anymore...

I'm quite sure that this is a case of a loss of passion. The last time this happened was in 8th grade, when I made a drastic jump from 1st to last chair in orchestra, and when I quit caring about performances in my steel drum class. I can explain that though: I was depressed about having to move away from everything I knew (I was in California). But now, with this, I don't know what could have brought this on. I hope things change soon...