Is This Where We're Headed?

I have a pretty active imagination. I tend to freak myself out over tragedies that never happened. It takes a little while for me to calm myself down after an imagined incident. I think the scary part is that these things could happen. Recently, I had this dream. It's become a recurring dream. It's really eerie.

So in my dream, I'm asleep. I'm awakened by loud banging and urgent voices. I get up to look out my window. Across the street, I can see a cop car parked outside a house, a male officer standing in an open car door, and a female office at the front door of the house. The female officer is knocking on the door, yelling, "Sir, we know you're there! Come out of the house!" The door opens, and instead of a grown man, this really adorable little boy (maybe 3 or 4 years old) creeps outside. He stands there for a while, looking at the woman, smiling. The officer leans down to talk to the little boy, then literally out of nowhere, the kid pulls a gun out of his pants and shoots the officer.

That was the end of my dream. The recurring part is this little cherubic face looking into the officer's face... his little hand reaching for the gun... the officer falling down dead from a gunshot wound inflicted by someone who's barely been in the world.

This dream was likely inspired by all the violence that's been going on this summer:

• July 20th: Colorado Massacre--12 dead, 58 injured
• July 17th: Shooting Death of 25-year-old Christy Golson
• July 17th: Tuscaloosa Shooting--17 injured
• July 7th: Shooting Death of 40-year-old Wendy Fisher
• June 9th: Auburn Shooting--3 dead, 3 injured

The significance of the July 7th shooting was that the killer was only 17 years old. Many people were shocked to hear that. So is my dream really that farfetched? Is it so unlikely that in the near future we'll hear of more instances where a 3-year-old pulls the trigger on someone? Who knows.

I hate that any of these deaths happened. I hate that people have to turn to violence to express anger or other negative emotions. Parents could easily be blamed, but parents won't always be around to tell you to calm down. People have to have some personal responsibility, at least in the case of these 5 shootings.

In the meantime, I hope I can stop having that creepy dream.

Who Can I Run To?

Less than 24 hours ago, I said goodbye to one of my closest friends. No, he didn't die. I just mean that our friendship was terminated. My exact words were "Fuck this shit" in reference to our chaotic relationship. He called it a "dance" and it's certainly a dance neither one of us want to do anymore. Only a few measly hours later, I'm sitting here, writing this post, trying to sort out my feelings.

One thing I realized is that I can count my closest friends on one hand. That's probably the way it should be-- just a close-knit circle of friends that a person feels comfortable expressing his or herself to. The problem I face with my friends--as close as they are to me--is that they don't relate to me easily. A lot of the problems that I have are lost on them, so it seems like I do way too much complaining. Granted, I probably do. But I look for someone to understand, and maybe even offer some sort of solution. I just don't have that.

Aside from that, another reason I ended that friendship was because I feel inferior to him. I've told this to him numerous times, and he could never understand it. And of course I never did a great job explaining it to him. He's easily the smartest person I know. He's so brilliant and charming... It's intimidating to me. I can't ask him to change that about himself, because that was one of the things I liked about him. It's also one of the things I hated about him, and one of the things I envied about him. Confusing, I know.

I just wish that I could have expressed my feelings better. I've never been able to articulate my feelings properly without coming off like a dumbass. My mom got onto me about that recently. Just as I turn to blogging to express myself, I used to write her notes outlining my feelings, rather than being a big girl and using my voice. It was stupid. So stupid. I need to do better, before I'm totally friendless.

On one hand, I do feel really bad about the way things ended. It was really unfair to him because up until this point, we've been fine for the most part. But on the other hand, his intelligence makes him arrogant, and I can't stand it. I don't know if I could have taken it any longer.

They say people come into your life like seasons. As difficult as it is for me to let go, one can only enjoy the cool breeze and the warm sun for so long before the frigid weather comes along and kills everything you love.

Insight

About a year and 5 months ago, I wrote a brief and angry post outlining my lack of understanding and general distaste for alcohol in social settings. I was met with some equally angry opposition, but with no real answers to my question.

This past weekend, I celebrated my 21st birthday... with alcohol. I'm pretty proud of myself for waiting until I was of age to participate in such an activity. Of course, that's not the purpose of this post. I actually want to share my experiences.

My decision to ever tolerate alcohol didn't happen overnight by any means. It took baby steps, starting with placing myself AROUND alcohol. Originally, if there was ever a presence of alcohol, I would shut down and remove myself from the area. I couldn't stand the smell, or the way people acted when they drank it. It was all pointless to me.

Then October 2011 came around (this is the earliest I can remember). A friend of mine invited me to his Halloween house party. I knew there would be drinking, so I was hesitant to say yes. But I figured I couldn't avoid the situation forever, so I went. I arrived with preconceived notions that there would be puking everywhere and violence (I'm pretty sure I brought a taser just in case). But I was happy to be wrong... for the most part. I had lots of fun and found myself hanging around "drunks" more often.

But even after indirect exposure to alcohol, wouldn't you know it-- I still had questions. Does alcohol affect your brain cells? How do you know when you're drunk? How long do you stay drunk? How many drinks does it take to pass out? Obviously there are some answers you can get better by doing rather than asking, thus provoking my decision to have my first drink at 21.

Fast forward 6 days, 5 drinks, 3 sips, and only 1 possible hangover later--I realized something. Drinking isn't so terrible. It creates an environment of lively people (of age!) who just wanna relax and have a good time. Of course, I didn't get all the answers I wanted from just one weekend. But I'm sure, given more opportunities, that I'll figure it all out.

I realized something else as well. Humans are so judgmental! It is so easy for us to downgrade the things we don't understand. Based on my very limited prior experiences with alcohol, I thought I knew everything. All alcohol was the same and everyone who drank it was the same, in my eyes. But that's not the case at all. I'm glad I had that experience. I'm glad to be more open-minded than I once was.