Random Thoughts in No Particular Order

• I'm glad we're friends again. Or are we? Ya know, I'm not sure how this whole thing is supposed to work. Are we actually friends are are we just more cordial to each other than we have been previously? 
• Why am I so insecure? I wanna be the kinda person who doesn't give a crap about what others think of me or how I appear to others. But those are things I think about way more than I should.
• I need to look up movie times for Saturday...
• What do I need to do in the office tomorrow... Establishing Values... Oozeball... sheet signs... ... 
• What do I need to say to this new board that will stick with them and when am I gonna get the balls to say it?
• Justin Timberlake is super freakin cute... One of my top five favorite celebrities... or top four... let's see, Kenan Thompson, Kevin Hart, Justin Timberlake, Ne-Yo, ... Hmm, I guess it is really only four...
• I've rarely been asked what my "type" is. I would never know what to say. I don't HAVE one... I like all kinds of people. The important thing is that you have to make me laugh and you have to be able to hold a decent conversation with me.
• I type really loud. My roommate probably isn't appreciating this right now. I'll stop.

Untitled

I don't handle death well. At all. I cry when strangers die. Something about it is just unsettling to me. I can't wrap my brain around it. I'm sure one day I'll be able to cope better than I do now. But it doesn't help when someone one step closer than a stranger passes away unexpectedly.

I've only had a few encounters with her which would have otherwise been meaningless--having a small conversation with her while she was on her way to a JP meeting, her giving me a sticker that I would eventually put on my laptop, and the occasional wave hello. But the last encounter is what stuck with me. It was on the day she suddenly fell ill. Still a simple hello as she walked by the JP office (where I am currently writing this). But she looked so joyful and lively, not at all like someone who was about to pass away soon.

You can tell me all day about the circumstances of her death. She fainted while playing volleyball, had a seizure, went unresponsive, was put on life support for a while... But I'm never gonna understand why. Why did it have to be her? Why was it her time? Why did I have to see her on that day?

I feel so low right now. I can only imagine how those closer to her must feel. From my few encounters and from what I hear, she was a sweet and fun girl. If there is anything I could give that is better than condolences, I would gladly give it. This was a very tragic loss for friends, family, and the University of South Alabama.

Miss Independent?

Today was a nice day. I didn't want to let it go to waste in Mobile, so I took a spontaneous trip to Florida. It was my first time going... yup,  just me and Justin Timberlake in his Suit and Tie telling me about That Girl with the Strawberry Bubblegum. The trip was so pleasant and relaxing--just what I needed to take my mind off of things. I can't believe I didn't do it sooner.

*Ugh... why couldn't that have been a true story? :-/*

I don't wanna say I had a terrible childhood, but I was let down quite a bit. I attribute it to having so many people on a high pedestal. This is something I struggled with MUCH of my life, even in adulthood. It was super easy to hurt my feelings.

At this point, I feel like I don't have ANYone on a pedestal. At least I think I don't... I mean, I don't expect too much good out of people anymore, but that doesn't explain the frustration and disappointment (which could easily be confused for hatred) that I feel when particular people come to mind. Is this a side effect of dismantling the mantle? I'm not sure.

I've taken a fancy to being alone. While it's nice to hang out with other people, I'm not interested in having people "adjust their busy schedules" or "settle" for being around me. I don't want anything to be forced. What's the point? Anything I can do by myself--like eat, go to a game, paint--I'm glad to do it alone. If people wanna join me, that's their prerogative. I'm just not gonna be the one offering these opportunities to people who clearly don't have the fucking time.

*sigh* I don't know why I'm so bitter right now. I honestly don't know what it's like to spread my time across something more than school and JP. In fact, I'm pretty sure I spend more time with JP than anything else. At times I feel like I'm too committed to it... too passionate about it. I haven't thought to do anything else on campus until this year, thinking about being an RA.  I would like to be able to do both, but I've thought about quitting JP so many times. I used to have so much joy walking into the office everyday. Lately, the only thing on my mind when I walk in is "ugh, I gotta deal with these people again..." I don't like thinking like that, but I can't help it. I work with some really selfish, lazy people. Those types of people aren't the easiest to motivate. I don't know if I have the energy for it anymore. It's like poison...

I hate that it took me this long to "say" something about this, but we're so close to the end of this year that it doesn't make much sense to voice anything to them. We'll just see what happens (<---and it's that mentality that got me to this point. I need a new strategy NOW.).