If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say...

Earlier, I was Googling a phone number for a local Burger King. A few locations popped up and I happened to notice that they all had a few reviews for them. The particular location I needed had 7 reviews. Only one of them said something positive. It was pretty sad to me.

But looking at that, it made me realize that that's the way people are these days (<-- "these days" being my only reference since I'm too young to know what "those days" were like). People are so critical. They offer this negativity under the ruse of being helpful or constructive, or simply to just be mean. An the people who don't take criticism well--oh gosh!--everyone is a hater, and "they just don't understand" and blah blah blah...

Where are the compliments?

As humans, we seek validation, whether or not we have low or high self-esteem. We want people to like us, or what we do or how we look. Understanding that, why is it so hard for us to pay someone a compliment where it's due? Why is it so easy for us (and I say "us" because this is something I'm guilty of as well) to put someone down?

I was stumbling the other day, and came across this list of 30 challenges for 30 days. It shows a bunch of things you can do to become a better you. This list is composed of many things you can do such as "start a conversation with a stranger" or "tell someone one thing you like about them". I think everyone should see and do the things on this list. You, just like everyone else, want to be told something nice and sincere. But you shouldn't have to wait for others to step up to do it first. Pride is the issue here. Push your pride aside and be the reason someone has a good day. Something as simple as "You look pretty today" can go a long way. In making someone smile and feel good about themselves, you can improve your own self-esteem and attitude.

This is a selfish, rude, and impatient world. But of course it's not all bad, and I recognize that. I want to show others that I recognize that. Some of the things that can be done:

• Tell a woman she's pretty-- not what she has on is pretty, but that she, herself, is pretty. Women probably seek the most validation of all. I rarely hear any woman compliment another woman on her beauty unless it's a celebrity and/or the compliment is online. Tell her to her face if you can.
• Thank anyone who offered a service-- gave food, gave a ride somewhere, gave information. None of that is deserved, but the fact that it was given deserves some thanks.
• Hold the door open for someone-- now, I'm not a doorstop, but I don't let the door close on someone who is immediately behind me. That's just rude, especially if they're carrying something.
• Offer to help carry something-- Help take the load off. I'm a tiny person, but I can help carry something if someone needs help. 
• Offer a seat to someone-- I don't even leave it up to males to do that anymore... If a person is obviously tired, elderly, or disabled in some way, I'll stand my able-bodied behind up and offer them my seat.
• Just say hello to someone-- I used to be really bad with this. Coming from California, I didn't have to greet every stranger I saw. But oddly enough, that's how you meet some really nice people :)
• Let someone know they're doing a good job-- As I said earlier, we are so quick to point out a wrong-doing. Telling someone to keep up the good work is one of the best things you can do for someone constantly being berated for some minor details. Call a restaurant or some other place you frequent and let them know you like what they're doing. It really means a lot.

Is This Where We're Headed?

I have a pretty active imagination. I tend to freak myself out over tragedies that never happened. It takes a little while for me to calm myself down after an imagined incident. I think the scary part is that these things could happen. Recently, I had this dream. It's become a recurring dream. It's really eerie.

So in my dream, I'm asleep. I'm awakened by loud banging and urgent voices. I get up to look out my window. Across the street, I can see a cop car parked outside a house, a male officer standing in an open car door, and a female office at the front door of the house. The female officer is knocking on the door, yelling, "Sir, we know you're there! Come out of the house!" The door opens, and instead of a grown man, this really adorable little boy (maybe 3 or 4 years old) creeps outside. He stands there for a while, looking at the woman, smiling. The officer leans down to talk to the little boy, then literally out of nowhere, the kid pulls a gun out of his pants and shoots the officer.

That was the end of my dream. The recurring part is this little cherubic face looking into the officer's face... his little hand reaching for the gun... the officer falling down dead from a gunshot wound inflicted by someone who's barely been in the world.

This dream was likely inspired by all the violence that's been going on this summer:

• July 20th: Colorado Massacre--12 dead, 58 injured
• July 17th: Shooting Death of 25-year-old Christy Golson
• July 17th: Tuscaloosa Shooting--17 injured
• July 7th: Shooting Death of 40-year-old Wendy Fisher
• June 9th: Auburn Shooting--3 dead, 3 injured

The significance of the July 7th shooting was that the killer was only 17 years old. Many people were shocked to hear that. So is my dream really that farfetched? Is it so unlikely that in the near future we'll hear of more instances where a 3-year-old pulls the trigger on someone? Who knows.

I hate that any of these deaths happened. I hate that people have to turn to violence to express anger or other negative emotions. Parents could easily be blamed, but parents won't always be around to tell you to calm down. People have to have some personal responsibility, at least in the case of these 5 shootings.

In the meantime, I hope I can stop having that creepy dream.

Who Can I Run To?

Less than 24 hours ago, I said goodbye to one of my closest friends. No, he didn't die. I just mean that our friendship was terminated. My exact words were "Fuck this shit" in reference to our chaotic relationship. He called it a "dance" and it's certainly a dance neither one of us want to do anymore. Only a few measly hours later, I'm sitting here, writing this post, trying to sort out my feelings.

One thing I realized is that I can count my closest friends on one hand. That's probably the way it should be-- just a close-knit circle of friends that a person feels comfortable expressing his or herself to. The problem I face with my friends--as close as they are to me--is that they don't relate to me easily. A lot of the problems that I have are lost on them, so it seems like I do way too much complaining. Granted, I probably do. But I look for someone to understand, and maybe even offer some sort of solution. I just don't have that.

Aside from that, another reason I ended that friendship was because I feel inferior to him. I've told this to him numerous times, and he could never understand it. And of course I never did a great job explaining it to him. He's easily the smartest person I know. He's so brilliant and charming... It's intimidating to me. I can't ask him to change that about himself, because that was one of the things I liked about him. It's also one of the things I hated about him, and one of the things I envied about him. Confusing, I know.

I just wish that I could have expressed my feelings better. I've never been able to articulate my feelings properly without coming off like a dumbass. My mom got onto me about that recently. Just as I turn to blogging to express myself, I used to write her notes outlining my feelings, rather than being a big girl and using my voice. It was stupid. So stupid. I need to do better, before I'm totally friendless.

On one hand, I do feel really bad about the way things ended. It was really unfair to him because up until this point, we've been fine for the most part. But on the other hand, his intelligence makes him arrogant, and I can't stand it. I don't know if I could have taken it any longer.

They say people come into your life like seasons. As difficult as it is for me to let go, one can only enjoy the cool breeze and the warm sun for so long before the frigid weather comes along and kills everything you love.

Insight

About a year and 5 months ago, I wrote a brief and angry post outlining my lack of understanding and general distaste for alcohol in social settings. I was met with some equally angry opposition, but with no real answers to my question.

This past weekend, I celebrated my 21st birthday... with alcohol. I'm pretty proud of myself for waiting until I was of age to participate in such an activity. Of course, that's not the purpose of this post. I actually want to share my experiences.

My decision to ever tolerate alcohol didn't happen overnight by any means. It took baby steps, starting with placing myself AROUND alcohol. Originally, if there was ever a presence of alcohol, I would shut down and remove myself from the area. I couldn't stand the smell, or the way people acted when they drank it. It was all pointless to me.

Then October 2011 came around (this is the earliest I can remember). A friend of mine invited me to his Halloween house party. I knew there would be drinking, so I was hesitant to say yes. But I figured I couldn't avoid the situation forever, so I went. I arrived with preconceived notions that there would be puking everywhere and violence (I'm pretty sure I brought a taser just in case). But I was happy to be wrong... for the most part. I had lots of fun and found myself hanging around "drunks" more often.

But even after indirect exposure to alcohol, wouldn't you know it-- I still had questions. Does alcohol affect your brain cells? How do you know when you're drunk? How long do you stay drunk? How many drinks does it take to pass out? Obviously there are some answers you can get better by doing rather than asking, thus provoking my decision to have my first drink at 21.

Fast forward 6 days, 5 drinks, 3 sips, and only 1 possible hangover later--I realized something. Drinking isn't so terrible. It creates an environment of lively people (of age!) who just wanna relax and have a good time. Of course, I didn't get all the answers I wanted from just one weekend. But I'm sure, given more opportunities, that I'll figure it all out.

I realized something else as well. Humans are so judgmental! It is so easy for us to downgrade the things we don't understand. Based on my very limited prior experiences with alcohol, I thought I knew everything. All alcohol was the same and everyone who drank it was the same, in my eyes. But that's not the case at all. I'm glad I had that experience. I'm glad to be more open-minded than I once was.

Behind My Eyelids

There is a vivid image of us forming behind my eyelids.

I see your eyes, heavy with wanting and needing, following my curves, up and down, until they meet my own eyes. I stare back, relaying the same zeal you've conveyed to me. I draw you near. You tease me before pressing your lips firmly against mine. I melt in your arms. You lie me down. The space between us grows smaller, and it isn't long before I can feel the temperature rising. Your tongue-so warm and talented- travels over every plain, over every hill of my body, and soon, into the valley. I writhe in pleasure, and moan in desire. I want more of you, and you give it to me. The rhythm is slow... nice... easy. You're so gentle and kind. Your voice rumbles in my ear. My eyes roll in my head. I cling to you, my body begs you for more. Any frigidity on my part is surely melted away in the form of perspiration. The friction increases between us. My panting and your thrusting are in perfect harmony-- In. Out. In. Out. In, out, in, out...

My mind has no thoughts. I can form no other words but "Oh... Yes.. More...!!" I look to you in a lustful haze and see you struggling to remain in control. The muscles in your face contort as you fight against my closing walls. Ladies and gentlemen, we seem to be experiencing a great deal of turbulence. Please fasten your seat belts. Your pelvis shakes. My legs quake. We each let out a sound, and together the notes make the most beautiful arrangement that no composer could have ever written. I am filled with the warmest sensation, and I can't help but smile. You grin as you collapse on top of me. Our breaths, our heartbeats-- they are one.

 

I'm Tired, Too...

Mothers, amirite?

I truly love my mother. I realize how blessed I am to have her. She has been a strong, independent force in my life for...EVER. She has been smart, encouraging, strict, enforcing, loving, patient and caring. That's what mothers do, right?

I didn't realize there was a time limit on all those characteristics though. Lately, I'm seeing a complete 180 from her, all while she remains adamant about not becoming like her own mother (...whole different story. I will spare you...). I used to say that my mother was my best friend. I could talk to her about anything, and we shared SO many laughs. But right now I just wanna go back to my kid-self and say "Cherish the mother you have now, because years from now, you won't even recognize that lady!" Ignorant and insensitive comments from her about any and everything usually fray on my nerves. But moments like today sadden me and make me realize that we'll never again have the same relationship that we used to have.

I went into her room today to discuss some of the monetary issues I'm having with school. As usual, she brushed it off and said "I'll take care of it." She usually does. I'll pay her back. End of that discussion, for now.

I sat on her bed for a while, staring at the TV. There was a Lifetime movie on, and it reminded me of the times I used to crawl into her bed on Saturdays and watch those movies with her. I realized then that we didn't talk as much as we used to. I brought up my job with Jaguar Productions, because even after my previous efforts to show and tell her, she still doesn't know what I do. At that moment, I grabbed one of our brochures and told her most of what the organization does. I explained to her that I needed to think of something new to do for JP. I was disappointed to hear her ramble off everything that I already told her we did. Not only was she not listening, but she wasn't very helpful with her ideas.

Our conversation turned back to school. She asked when fees were due an I told her. She then said, and I quote, "You need to find out how many more classes you have left and when graduation is, cuz I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm tired." (<---very reminiscent of my grandmother, by the way...)

(While I take a deep breath and count to 10, please take this time to refer back to my previous blog, What Are You Doing With Your Life? )

Understand that I literally JUST finished my 3rd year in college. I'm no superwoman! I can't leap over multiple school years in a single bound. Things take time! The logical progression for college is 4 years. Sometimes it'll take longer. IT HAPPENS! I understand that she's tired of footing the bill for school. I get that. I've been doing what I can to help her though, while still trying to do more. And for her to try to rush me out of college because SHE'S tired of working is very discouraging to hear. I'd quit and spare her the burden, but what good would that do me?

*Sigh* Y'all, I'm tired. Her negativity is not conducive to what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to regain my motivation for school, and she's over here with that whole defeated attitude. I feel like I have to have motivation for the both of us. It's so hard!

I miss my mommy.

"What are you doing with your life?"

I have no idea.

In the wake of the end of my 3rd year in college, I find myself wondering, "What AM I doing with my life?" Let me backtrack for a moment...

Earlier, I started reading Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice because I always heard references to it and I felt ashamed that I (an English/Education major) had never read it. From what I've read so far, it's great! It's a very witty and sarcastic book. Sadly I only made it to chapter 4 before I decided to write this blog post. Why?

I've found lately that I'm not really into reading much. It honestly KILLS me to say that. I learned to read when I was 3. I taught my brother to read when he was 6, and this has great influence on my decision to become a teacher. But lately, I seem to be "going through the motions" on my journey to what I thought was my dream. I haven't been putting a lot of effort into the things I do. As a result, my grades have not been up to par.

Up til now, I've been pretty apathetic about school with no known reason. I've been way more social than I needed to be. But this past Saturday, many of my friends graduated, leaving me to be very emotional. You would think it's because they'd be going off building a new life. But no. They'll still be around. I just realized that the REAL reason is that next year, I won't be graduating. And honestly, I don't know when that day will come. People are constantly asking me when I will be graduating, or what my grades are like. I give them vague answers because I fear disappointment. I'm really disappointed in MYSELF. I'm wasting so much time and money, and I don't know what I wanna do anymore...

I'm quite sure that this is a case of a loss of passion. The last time this happened was in 8th grade, when I made a drastic jump from 1st to last chair in orchestra, and when I quit caring about performances in my steel drum class. I can explain that though: I was depressed about having to move away from everything I knew (I was in California). But now, with this, I don't know what could have brought this on. I hope things change soon...

So This Is What It Takes to Get Me to Blog Again...

 *Warning: A lot of this may not make any sense. I'm simply using this as a means to get my thoughts out of my head.*

Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling in which a person feels a strong sense of emptiness and solitude resulting from inadequate levels of social relationships.

Boredom is an emotional state experienced when an individual is left without anything in particular to do, and is not interested in their surroundings.

I can't decide which one of these terms I'm feeling at the moment.

Like most people I know, I like to be social. I like to hang out with people I have the most in common with. But I realize that that's not always possible. My mom always told me that I should have no reason to be bored--that I should make my own fun. She also says I shouldn't make myself "too available", meaning that I shouldn't be too eager to want to hang out with people. I find that I generally dislike people who have nothing better to do than to cling to others for entertainment. But that makes me highly hypocritical as I, myself, am one of those people.

Sometimes I make the critical mistake of assuming that I'm a fun and interesting person, and that people would love to have me in their presence. It's rather cocky of me, really. I guess it's sort of humbling when people don't invite me to hang out with them. It reminds me that I need to distance myself from people so I don't "smother" them, so to speak. I guess it also gives me time to analyze myself and my behavior to figure out why I didn't get invited and what I could do to change that. Some people don't think as far as I do. I guess I'm a people-pleaser. That was always a concern of my mother's. She used to remind me all the time, "You can't make everyone happy." Hmmm... that probably voids the purpose of my self-analysis, but I can't help but do it anyway...

I do my best not to invite myself to hang out with people. It's highly invasive. I know I wouldn't like it if someone moved in on my plans without an invite. It's rude of me to do the same. Besides, it's not like what other people are doing is the ONLY thing I could be doing. Like mommy said, I gotta make my own fun.